Body Image

I used to be skinny.

skinny4skinny

I didn’t have to watch what I ate. In fact, I could have eaten absolutely anything I wanted and gotten away with it.

But in my freshman year of high school, I began battling an eating disorder. And I was obsessed with being as small as physically possible. I wasted so much time rejecting food and over-exercising in pursuit of “perfection.”

After Allen and I got together, I achieved recovery* and began to live a happy, healthy, normal life. I was finally okay with my body, okay with what I was eating, okay with ME.

skinny2skinny5

Then diabetes came and completely ruined it all.

Insulin is a weight-gain hormone. It’s purpose is taking “fuel” to the cells. So while I can account for my food all day long, insulin isn’t the sole problem. There’s also a deficiency of a hormone in diabetics called Amylin, which slows gastric emptying and in conjunction with glucagon and the part of the brain that controls glycemic control, reduce the total insulin demand in a healthy body. Amylin is coproduced by the pancreatic β-cells along with insulin.

Type 1 Diabetes = No β-cells = no Amylin

So why don’t I take Amylin along with my insulin? I know they make a synthetic Amylin that can be injected, but 1) It’s incredibly expensive 2) It isn’t considered “medically necessary” for survival and 3) Who wants to take yet another injection?

Even if I took Amylin, weight gain would still likely happen. I could exercise, but it is so insanely difficult to find a good exercise regimen when your blood sugar is affected by everything and nothing. It’s something I’m trying to start doing, but we’ll see how it goes.

I’m still trying to love myself. But it’s so hard when your skirts and shirts are suddenly getting tighter. I said I’d use this blog for the truth, and I’d be real and honest here, and sometimes honesty sucks. It’s hard. And maybe to some I “don’t look like [I’ve] gained weight” or I’m “still skinny” but until you’ve been through an eating disorder and have started gaining weight due to no fault of your own, then I don’t want to hear it. Sorry.

This is why it sucks: I can account for every single morsel of food that passes between my lips. I eat healthier and cleaner than I ever have in my entire life. And yet my reward is gaining weight.

This is my reality, and this is my struggle.

 

*Recovery is different for everyone. I have achieved what I believe to be “recovery”

 

 

 

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